Connecting vs Disconnecting with Relations- Sila e Rahmi vs Qata e Rahmi

Over the last few years, misconceptions regarding disconnecting from the relations (relatives, neighbors, colleagues) seem to be spreading. Disconnecting from relatives and relations is not a part of our culture or tradition. Our guidance has been to mend fences and work towards establishing relationships. Ethical leadership in our tradition requires that we care for those who throw garbage on you, make fun of you, or even try to harm you. Mohabbat fateh e Aaalim.

Left hand column shows the basis of our culture and traditions, whereas
the right hand column shows typical messages being shared on the facebook/whatsapp promoting
misconceptions that stand in stark opposition to our culture and traditions. 

It is troubling to see posts as given in the right hand column of the picture above. These are often being shared and appreciated by many people in Pakistan and even Muslims, who have not thought deeply about the sources of these conceptions. Even respectable people are becoming prey of such sharing. There are deeper misconceptions underlying the points mentioned. Each one of these points have a serious issue with our traditions and needs to be stripped off from their underlying misconceptions:

Misconceptions about Relationships: Transactional Perspectives	Perspectives of Ethical and Transformational Leadership
Stop calling people who don't call you	Disconnecting on such excuses: Is typical of transactional behavior and trade mentality. [1] Is not part of ethical and transformational leadership. [2] Indicates lack of  “abundance” thinking. [3]  Is contrary to our capacity to love, which increases by giving [4] Is contrary to the advice that "Life is to give and not to take" [5].
Stop visiting people who don't know where you live.
Stop making time for people who don't have time for you
Stop thinking about people who don't think about you
Life is difficult enough without having to beg people for their love and attention
Trying to connect with no response will  make you  emotionally bankrupt	Bankruptcy of your emotional bank account depends upon your lack of making deposits. Indicates that you have stopped learning and growing. [3]
You can love someone from a distance and I'm not just talking about romantic relationships; friends, family and boyfriends	There is no one-size-fits-all type of love and care. The distance you keep depends upon the type of relationship. [6]
Treat people the way they treat you and stop over exerting yourself and giving love where it's not returned	This is a highly toxic thought in all religions [7]. “Good begets good; evil begets evil; and even if the good you give is met by evil, you have no choice but to go on giving better than you get. Otherwise -why bother to go on living?” [8]
You can do for yourself is surround yourself with people who genuinely love and care about you.	Dependence Thinking. People centered approach [3].  Not part of principle centered leadership [3]
Most importantly surround yourself with people who don't see you as a replaceable option. There is nothing worse than people who treat you like you are replaceable.

[Work in Progress: ]

Mohabbat Fatehe Aalim

Ethical norms are what learn from our environment, parents and families. Ethical perspectives are not learned from school or books. These are examples that we see practiced in our environment, houses and many of our relatives. However when these examples start changing so does the dominance of ethical perspectives. This is the topic of this post. 

[1] Transactional Behavior and Transactional Relationships

The misconceptions seem to be developing in the emerging socio-cultural ethos of this age and time. 

• From Disposable Cups to Throwaway Relationships: Costs of Disposable Culture
• Capitalist Transactions Replacing Traditions and Values from Istanbul to Makkah
• 
  

[2] Ethical Leadership and Transformational Leadership

• Nine (9) Dimensions of Ethical Leadership

[3] Abundance Thinking, bankruptcy of emotional bank amount

Stephen Covey 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. First Habit.

Stephen Cove

[4] Capacity to love increases by giving
[5] Life is to give and not to take

• 4 Attributes of Marital Relationships that can Build or Destroy

[6] Distance you keep depends upon the type of relationship

The misconceptions stated above are posed as general rules applicable to all people, irrespective of whether they are blood relatives or those towards whom you have responsibility.

Our culture and tradition is based on grading of the relationships. The rules of engagements differ according to which circle of relationship they belong to.

[7] Toxicity of conditional love

Stephen Covey's Principles Centered Leadership

[8] Good begets good; evil begets evil

Religious perspectives from Christianity and Islam. and Ethical Perspectives from history

: رسول صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم کا ارشاد ہے -- لا يدخل الجنَّة قاطع رحم -- 
ترجمہ :  جنت میں رشتہ توڑنے اور کاٹنے والا نہ جائے گا۔[ مسلم 2556] 

Ordinary level of engagement: Uzn bil uzn, anf bil anf. That is ear for an ear, eye for an eye and nose for nose. However, the requirements for ethical leadership are much higher. One has to rise to high pedestal where your vision cross your life and generations. Here you assume the role of the followers of the supreme guides and prophets. This is not easy but a challenge. The requirement is returning evil with good, returning bad attitude with good behavior. [idfaoo bil lati hiya ahsen, Ref from Quran]. Of course, this recommendation supersedes the case when the other becomes an enemy and can materially harm you. In that case, you are also expected to do all to wade off the attack. Patience level at which you need to be replying in kind is determined by your wisdom and shrewdness and through calculation of all the costs and benefits. 

Our prophet's tradition had been to return the bad deeds of a women who used to throw garbage on him (SAW) to go and care for her during her illness. 

صلہ رحمی کے بدلے صلہ رحمی (کرنا صلہ رحمی) نہیں۔

سیدنا عبداللہ بن عمرو رضی اللہ عنہ سے مروی ہے کہ نبی کریم صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم نے فرمایا: “ صلہ رحمی کرنے والا وہ نہیں ہے جو صرف بدلہ چکائے (یعنی احسان کے بدلے احسان کر دے) بلکہ صلہ رحمی کرنے والا (رشتہ ناتا جوڑنے والا) وہ ہے جو اپنے ٹوٹے ہوئے رشتہ کو جوڑے۔” 

صحیح بخاری

Abdurrahman bin Auf (Rz.) narrates that he heard Rasoolullah (SAW) telling that “Allah says I am Allah, I am Rahman (beneficent), I’ve created relations and I’ve named it by cutting a matter from my name Rahman named “Rehm” (relations). Thus who will take joined it I will join him but who will broke it I break him. (Sunan Abi Dawood)

رشتوں میں محبت کیسے پیدا کریں؟

 ایک دوسرے کو سلام کریں - (مسلم: 54) .1  

2. ان سے ملاقات کرنے جائیں - (مسلم: 2567)

3. ان کے پاس بیٹھنے اٹھنے کا معمول بنائیں۔ - (لقمان: 15)

4. ان سے بات چیت کریں - (مسلم: 2560)

5. ان کے ساتھ لطف و مہربانی سے پیش آئیں - (سنن ترمذی: 1924، صحیح)

6. ایک دوسرے کو ہدیہ و تحفہ دیا کریں - (صحیح الجامع: 3004)

7. اگر وہ دعوت دیں تو قبول کریں - (مسلم: 2162)

8. اگر وہ مہمان بن کر آئیں تو ان کی ضیافت کریں - (ترمذی: 2485، صحیح)

9. انہیں اپنی دعاؤں میں یاد رکھیں - (مسلم: 2733)

10. بڑے ہوں تو ان کی عزت کریں - (سنن ابو داؤد: 4943، سنن ترمذی: 1920، صحیح)

11. چھوٹے ہوں تو ان پر شفقت کریں - (سنن ابو داؤد: 4943، سنن ترمذی: 1920، صحیح)

12. ان کی خوشی و غم میں شریک ہوں - (صحیح بخاری: 6951)

13. اگر ان کو کسی بات میں اعانت درکار ہو تو اس کا م میں ان کی مدد کریں - (صحیح بخاری: 6951)

14. ایک دوسرے کے خیر خواہ بنیں - (صحیح مسلم: 55)

15. اگر وہ نصیحت طلب کریں تو انہیں نصیحت کریں - (صحیح مسلم: 2162)

16. ایک دوسرے سے مشورہ کریں - (آل عمران: 159)

17. ایک دوسرے کی غیبت نہ کریں - (الحجرات: 12)

18. ایک دوسرے پر طعن نہ کریں - (الھمزہ: 1)

19. پیٹھ پیچھے برائیاں نہ کریں - (الھمزہ: 1)

20. چغلی نہ کریں - (صحیح مسلم: 105)

21. آڑے نام نہ رکھیں - (الحجرات: 11)

22. عیب نہ نکالیں - (سنن ابو داؤد: 4875، صحیح)

23. ایک دوسرے کی تکلیفوں کو دور کریں - (سنن ابو داؤد: 4946، صحیح)

24. ایک دوسرے پر رحم کھائیں - (سنن ترمذی: 1924، صحیح)

25. دوسروں کو تکلیف دے کر مزے نہ اٹھائیں - (سورہ مطففین سے سبق)

26. ناجائز مسابقت نہ کریں۔ مسابقت کرکے کسی کو گرانا بری عادت ہے۔ اس سے ناشکری یا تحقیر کے جذبات پیدا ہوتے ہیں - (صحیح مسلم: 2963)

27. نیکیوں میں سبقت اور تنافس جائز ہےجبکہ اس کی آڑ میں تکبر، ریاکاری اور تحقیر کارفرما نہ ہو - (المطففین : 26)

28. طمع ، لالچ اور حرص سے بچیں - (التکاثر: 1)

29. ایثار و قربانی کا جذبہ رکھیں - (الحشر: 9)

30. اپنے سے زیادہ آگے والے کا خیال رکھیں - (الحشر: 9)

31. مذاق میں بھی کسی کو تکلیف نہ دیں - (الحجرات: 11)

32. نفع بخش بننے کی کوشش کریں - (صحیح الجامع: 3289، حسن)

33. احترام سے بات کریں۔بات کرتے وقت سخت لہجے سے بچیں - (آل عمران: 159)

34. غائبانہ اچھا ذکر کریں - (ترمذی: 2737، صحیح)

35. غصہ کو کنٹرول میں رکھیں - (صحیح بخاری: 6116)

36. انتقام لینے کی عادت سے بچیں - (صحیح بخاری: 6853)

37. کسی کو حقیر نہ سمجھیں - (صحیح مسلم: 91)

38. اللہ کے بعد ایک دوسرے کا بھی شکر ادا کریں - (سنن ابو داؤد: 4811، صحیح)

39. اگر بیمار ہوں تو عیادت کو جائیں - (ترمذی: 969، صحیح)

40. اگر کسی کا انتقال ہو جائے تو جنازے میں شرکت کریں - (مسلم: 2162)

اللہ ہم سب کو اچھے عمل کرنے کی توفیق عطا فرما دے آمین یا رب العالمین